Emotional Moochers

Before I go any further in this discussion about how we relate to one another, a word about emotional moochers.

As I’ve said in the past, we need to quit looking at others as inferior or superior, and realize that all of us are simply human. It is my contention that compassion is distorted with subjective judgment when we view others as inferior or superior. But that is a discussion for another day.

Right now I need to say a word about emotional moochers.

We usually think of moochers as people who take advantage of our kindness to take and take and take. Maybe the person is a relative with a drug or alcohol addiction. The person persuades you that ONLY YOU can help. The next thing you know, your jewelry box and wallet are empty. As this goes on you realize you’re not helping the person, but enabling a life-threatening addiction.

And yet there is another type of moocher, the emotional moocher.

The relationship with the emotional moocher begins much the same way. A sad story; only you can help. Then, in a very brief time, the tone changes. The person lashes out. You don’t understand… If you really understood you would… You realize this is not good and you try to back away. But the emotional moocher plays on your sympathies again.

If you don’t walk away, you soon find yourself in a vicious cycle of emotional abuse.

Let us be very clear about this: As long as the moocher has someone to feed off emotionally, that person is unlikely to change. We can and should pray for the person, but we should also take care not to place ourselves in the position of emotional punching bag.

Tragically many people, especially women, think they can change the emotional moocher if only they love them enough. But you don’t change an addict by constantly feeding the addiction. Sometimes it is pride that says only I can help, when it may very well be that I, by feeding the emotional moocher, am the one person who cannot help. I, thinking that only I can help, am only making the situation much worse. Maybe the single best way we help is by walking away.

I remember an interesting discussion about airplanes and oxygen masks. If the flight attendant tells everyone to put on their oxygen mask, do you put yours on first, or assist the helpless person sitting next to you? Compassion may tell us to help the weaker person first. But in doing that, we may run out of oxygen before we can help either one of us.

Sometimes we help others best by caring for ourselves first.

This concept was brought home to me a couple of Sundays ago. We were visiting a church where several members of the congregation have HIV.

As we went up to take communion a gentleman holding an ornate bottle offered hand sanitizer. I assumed this was concern about the flu, and immediately realized this was about protecting the people in the congregation with compromised ammine systems. By protecting my own hands, I could best protect those I came into contact with.

By protecting our own minds form emotional batterers, we are in a better position to help others.